Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
