the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
