2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Blow job season was short but glorious.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
