A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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