I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize