My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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