if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
