he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
