i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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