this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
