Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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