the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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