I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
