Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
