he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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