someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
