It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
