I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
