capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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