Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
