So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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