I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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