I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
