you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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