Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
