when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
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Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The Olympian is in my bed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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