if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
