The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He felt like a one man threesome
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
