I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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