You just made me feel so damn special
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
