There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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