thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I haven't been this sober since birth.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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