I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
