Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
