Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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