Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
