I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
