I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
