there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
