I was born with a shot glass in my hand
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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