Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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