just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
