something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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