Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
