Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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