I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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