You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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