I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
