I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
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