Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You pole danced in your parka.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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