maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
