cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
