is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
