BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
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Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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