As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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