I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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