Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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