Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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